An Honest Musing
2012 has been quite an interesting change. I am not sure what brought it upon, but once the clock hit midnight that Saturday night/Sunday morning a type of clarity came upon me.
For the longest time I was trying to top myself. Since a youngin’ I’ve been told that I was destined for greatness. Every thing I did kept reinforcing the idea in those that knew me that I was beyond average. The potential was there.
Perhaps this is what drove me towards becoming a polymath. I always wanted to have a good answer to any inquiry. I always wanted to be able to do that what the others could not.
My mission was to become as close to a demi-god as I could. Arrogance.
That night as I wandered on back home from the revelries a realization filled me. I was slowly slipping. In a few months I could be just like those I had always sought to separate myself from, the masses. Distinguished.
I do not have a problem with the lives of the majority.
However I wish to live and leave a biography rather than an small obituary.
The question was how to get off the interstate and onto the country road.
My first solution was simple, I decided to grow out my hair. When I had a glorious mane I was at my creative peak. I saw the world in a surreal way. I felt that life was a great big joke and I was the only one that understood the punchline. Prankster.
The second solution came from my dear brother. I deleted my Facebook. It has been one of the most important decisions in my youth. Once I complete my thesis this April, I will replace my smart phone with a simple flip phone. Disengage.
I have also decided to move back to Queens, the place that inspires me the most. I did not realize until last year how miserable DC has made me. Every time I enter the city I felt as if every ounce of my creativity and joy was smothered out of me. Suffocation.
Last night as I was coming back from class I came upon a realization. I have no primary sources of my life besides this blog. For the greater part of my life I have been trying to leave behind a biography, but have left no resources for my own biographers. Audacity.
Thus my next project is to purchase a leather bound notebook (I’m flashy) to record my thoughts and emotive experiences. I have also decided to start writing letters to a select few. Hopefully they will keep them safe. Every biography builds off a partial autobiography. Perspicacity.
I have always made it a policy of mine to never plan ahead. I am not sure where I will be come May 1st. Perhaps I’ll be in Poland for a month visiting family. It’s possible I find myself in Ukraine reconnecting with my heritage. It’s feasible that I may have a job and I begin building myself a financial cushion to pursue a number of projects that I have sketched out. Uncertainty.
All I know is that ars longa, vita brevis.
1. There’s an advertisement on your blog? Congrats!
2. I am sure you realize there’s no shame in your decision. I know I always thought that the only way to be different and accepted was to be great. Well, lots of people feel I’m great, destined for greatness, etc. etc. I was never sure that’s what I wanted, though. Being great at something is pretty lonely, especially when typical people have trouble relating to you. Long story short, I find greatness vastly overrated.
I am now trying to view my talents in a different paradigm. I have no more intention of being “great,” and would rather clean stalls for a living than be “great.” I would much rather use my talents to be happy. I am not yet sure how to execute that strategy yet, but at least I have some corroboration. I daresay you have reached a similar conclusion that I have.
Michael, you are feeling what most of the intelligent are feeling these days. That we are a dying breed, that we don’t belong in these times, that there is no connection between us and the sheeple that surround us. We are successful despite the obstacles put before us, we are happy because we know who we are and recognize that it is only the brainwashing that most people embrace that keeps them striving for unobtainable goals. We know that we are different than most and it doesn’t bother us, hell, myself I find unending amusement watching my fellow humans twist themselves in three ways to Hades trying to be what they see TV telling them what they should be. These are glorious times for people like you and me, I find that the more I fuck with people that are supposed to be my superiors, the more successful I am. And, it’s easy, I work less than most of my money-grubbing peers with much greater results. So, be arrogant, it’s definitely not a vice these days, it’s a necessity. And it’s fun as hell…